Pastor’s Kid … The Worse?

One of my earliest memories of the church is sitting on one of the cedar pews right at the front of the sanctuary. For some reason, pastors’ kids and preacher’s kids are always to be seated in front. Someone at some point had the brilliant idea of making others think that the further in the front one sit in the church, the more “holy” or “Christian” they are. 

In short, my memory is sitting on the bench and looking at a sister in Christ who, with her finger pointing at my face, told me: "Junior, you have to behave well because your dad is preaching!"

Today, 30 years later, I still don't understand what the woman was trying to tell me. What, you mean if my dad was NOT preaching then I could misbehave? I don't want to sound tacky, but what did the fact that my dad was preaching have to do with me being good? Shouldn't we all be good all the time no matter who is preaching? Ah, the great mysteries of our universe!

I don’t think there’s much mystery on this topic. I think it is obvious that as a church we face serious problems with those who are the children of “Leaders” or “Pastors”. In the same line of thought, I don’t want to blow this problem out of proportion. There are many of us, who had not rebelled and did not have the kind of problems that are generally associated with us. We have had problems, yes, but not that they necessarily fit the profile or reputation generally (and many times wrongly) attributed to the Pastors’ Kids. 

THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE CHURCH.

My dad is the Pastor, not me. In 1 Chronicles 29, we see a classic example of this. King David was giving his last instructions for the construction of the temple and the continuity of the Kingdom.

The Chapter opens with the firm instruction to the entire congregation: “Only my son Solomon has been chosen by God. He is young and immature. . .”. Wow! David was not just speaking to “his” congregation, he was speaking to all of us. The children of our leaders have been chosen by God to be in The Work with their parents, but they are not like their parents; for a while they will be young and immature. The adult and mature church has the responsibility to love them like this and help their spiritual growth so that their love for the church grows and does not diminish as is often the case.

PUNISH ME BECAUSE I MISBEHAVED, NOT BECUASE MY DAD IS THE PASTOR.

I am not saying that bad behavior should be tolerated. However, I do believe that we should be fair and discipline for the right reasons. Any disciplinary procedures the church has should be followed. But there is no excuse for taking up the already overused flag that “you have to set an example”, –an example of what? or “Are you not ashamed? Your father is the Pastor”–No! I am not ashamed of behaving badly, nor am I ashamed that my father is the Pastor.

REWARD ME FOR WHO I AM, NOT FOR WHO MY PARENTS ARE.

Many times, the members of the church make the mistake of giving privileges to the Pastor’s Kids, not because they are competent, but so that the Pastor feels good that his children are taken into account. If the Pastor's children are good at singing, you must have them sing; if they are not good at singing, put them as donkeys in the drama of Jesus entering Jerusalem, … But do not give them a privilege that does not correspond to them. And when you give it to them, make sure they know it's because of their merits and not because of their parents' merits.

THE LEADER OF THE CONGREGATION IS MY DAD, NOT ME.

Many times, the Pastor’s Kids are given a certain aura of authority by the position that the father or mother has. That is a serious mistake, especially if they are teenagers. Leader’s kids have the right to line up outside the parking lot before an event like everyone else. They have the right to sit in the back if they are late. They have the right not to be able to park their own vehicle in a preferential parking lot. We give the wrong message to the children of the Leaders and to the rest of the congregation when the children have disproportionate privileges. Unless the congregation is owned by the Pastor and his wife, the truth is that there should be no church members with better "benefits."

THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY PARENTS

I Never Heard Them Bash the Ministry

My parents never poisoned us with complaints against the ministry. Although I am sure they had plenty to complain about. They never bad-mouthed a church member, especially not in front of us. I remember that on one occasion, my dad quit his leadership due to the ambition of someone else who wanted his position, and my parents never belittled the church member or his actions. Since my parents never complained about the ministry, I grew up learning that it was the most exciting life there was and naturally I asked God to call me to serve Him on the spiritual field just as he had called my parents.

We Were Never Asked to Behave Well Because We Were "The Pastors' Kids"

Many times, our Leaders ask their children to stop doing something or behaving in a certain way because of their leadership position. I have bad news for you: your home is more important than your ministry. If you feel pressured for your children to “set the example,” then set the example first, and dedicate yourself to your children rather than your ministry. A lot of the things I did and a lot of my behavior many times must have embarrassed my parents. However, they asked me to change, not because they were "Leaders" but because I had to honor God. That was what mattered and was important to them; So, I also grew up learning that this should be the important thing for me.

In Church and at Home, My Parents Were the Same Way.

It is with sadness that I have to say that in counseling many Pastors’ Kids, I realize the double message they receive from their parents. In church my dad was chivalrous with my mom, in the privacy of our home too. In front of the brothers my mom was affectionate with me—despite my wonderful antics! —in the privacy of our house too. In the pulpit my dad preached powerfully about prayer and when I got up to go to the bathroom at 4:00 a.m. I watched my dad on his knees praying—every day. My mom scolded the sisters to stop watching soap operas and start reading their Bibles. At home, if my mom wasn't doing chores, she was reading her Bible—always— At church and at home, my parents were the same.

THINGS I LEARNED AS A PASTOR'S KID

God Has a Special Place in His Heart for Pastor's Kid

God knows that many times I had to "share" my parents with His Work. The nights that maybe I fell asleep, and my dad hadn't arrived because the service had been extended, the nights that I couldn't go to the amusement park like all my friends because we went to church. The time I wanted to go see my favorite soccer team but that day my dad already had an appointment to preach. All this God keeps in His Father's heart and rewards us. Perhaps we have cried because our life system is different from that of our friends' families. God knows this, which is why he has promised that those of us who sow with tears will reap with joy. In my case, how well I have reaped!!

Children are God's Gift to Our Parents.

In Psalm 127 Solomon describes what he saw in his father King David. Obviously, David made Solomon feel that as a son he was the greatest blessing he had. “Behold, the children are an inheritance from the Lord; reward is the fruit of the womb.” (Verse 3) We are the inheritance that God has given to our parents. It is their privilege to have us, and it is our privilege to be that gift to them. Maybe you don't like the idea of being born in a home of Pastors, but you can't change that because God wants that to be a blessing for your parents and for you. It is a very high privilege. We are not children of the elders of the church, we are not children of the Sunday School teacher. We are children of our parents, and we are God's gift to them. If the church doesn't like that, that is their problem.

My Dad is the Shepherd; I will lack everything...

Sometimes, depending on the nature of the Ministry, the homes of Pastors and Leaders do not have all the comforts that the children would like to have. Even so, God never abandons them and always gives them what they need. Fortunately, many ministries take good care of their Leaders and their Families. Perhaps as a Pastor's or Leader’s kid you have felt limited in what you have and what you can have. We must remember that we were called as a family to serve God by faith, not money. And at the end of the road, you will realize that it is much more worthwhile, living that way. 

But I know you had what you needed. Every time you wanted something and couldn't have it because of your parents calling, God is going to give it to you throughout your life. Your children will reap what you sow.

Do not say that you grew up in poverty, because that is a term of our consumerist and materialistic society. Poor is not the one who does not have, poor is the one who does not believe. The Pastors’ Kids perhaps do not inherit land, or fortunes, or kingdom, rather we inherit something more valuable. We inherit something that others, no matter how much they love God, cannot inherit if they are not in The Work. We are left with a spiritual legacy, the fact that our parents did not serve in industry, they did not serve in government or in business, they served the Most High God, Creator of the universe, with their lives and their children. “. . .but I and my house will serve the Lord” is more than just a pretty verse in Joshua 24 to hang in the kitchen. It is Joshua's declaration to the congregation and to his own children that the most important thing that he left to his family was not the land, belongings or any other material thing, the inheritance that he left was that he and his family had served, and they would serve Jehovah.

"Pastor's Kid... the worst?" I don't think so. We will be, to a large extent, what the church expects us to be. Church, instruct the Pastor's Kid in his way and when he grows up, he will not stray from it.